Balance
By: Beth Martin Brown
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“It is better to start with a true acceptance of the dark,” is one quote from the monk, writer, poet, and theologian, Thomas Merton’s many, many quotes. The question is though, “What is the dark in these peculiar times? If we understand the dark as fear and anger, primary and secondary emotions that go hand in hand, we can prevail. Widespread anger is pervading our psyche. This unchecked anger is back in the news again with vengeance, retaliation, and a sense of self-righteousness. How do we accept this dark side of anger at this point in our human consciousness? Have we as sentient beings progressed at all?
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By accepting the dark as Thomas Merton stated is not by agreeing but by recognizing that fear and anger are more evident now and need to be addressed. Anger is triggered by fear, frustration, embarrassment and feeling disrespected. “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it,” Nelson Mandela proclaimed. We need heroes and heroines to stand up to this dark side of anger before toxic anger becomes the norm.
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Toxic anger is spreading and contributing to more violent and risky behaviors, and is damaging relationships with families, friends, colleagues, and even world allies. Toxic anger syndrome, (IED), intermittent explosive disorder, involves frequent reckless outbursts of anger which can be verbal or physical and are disproportionate to the situation that triggered the subject.
The denial of these dangerous patterns leads to vicious behaviors in all aspects of life and gives permission for abuse to continue and become accepted as a normal way of coping. By defining and not ignoring this grave problem can be a big step.
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From the Japanese proverb “Fear is only as deep as the mind allows” and from the Chinese, Taoism, (dau ism) the recognition of the pattern of duality emerges in a simple understanding of yin-yang as the unity of opposites. It first appeared in the 4th Century with the purpose of leading a healthy, orderly life which is open to positive change and awareness that can restore balance to mental well-being. Unity though is a key word here. Anger and fear disrupt this unity. The yin-yang symbol depicts a white paisley symbol with a black dot as yang, order, masculine, day, the known. The yin symbol, a black paisley symbol with a white dot represents disorder/creativity, femininity, night, the unknown…all within a closed circle. The dots show yang within yin and yin within yang. Neither yin nor yang can exist on its own. Yin-yang stresses balance and harmony between opposing forces.
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A balanced state of yin-yang acknowledges the positive aspects of anger, addresses the abuse, focuses on the problem, and brings light to negative situations by acknowledging the courage to address toxic/unhealthy conditions for oneself, one’s family, the community, and society.
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Yin-yang balance can lead to a healthy life that is open to constructive changes and restores physical, mental, and spiritual health. Prayers, meditation, mantras, aphorisms, homilies and more help maintain this balance in these fractious times and reveal an insight into the acceptance of the dark.
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I still have hope. As George Carlin said, “I’m not a pessimist; I’m a disappointed idealist.”
Tis the Season of Giving…but Giving of What?
By: Beth Martin Brown
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An internet search has revealed a general short list of three R’s for domestic violence awareness. The first is to recognize. Many of us look at the world in ways that they want it to be rather than the way it really is and especially in personal relationships. Making excuses for mistreatment is one of the obstacles to recognizing the problem of domestic abuse. Responding in a caring way to someone one is concerned about is the second R. The third R is to refer to places that can help someone in this situation. The Los Angeles County Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-978-3600 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-799-SAFE or text 88788 are available.
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Statistically, domestic violence increases during the holidays because of several issues. Among them are financial stresses which increase with the pressure to buy gifts and social expectations, which are often to the detriment to one’s own health. Family interactions can become tense. With drugs and alcohol added to the mix, confrontations are inevitable.
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But the biggest issue is the presence of guns. Easy access via online sales and the lack of responsibility for those who sell and buy during this time, makes the chance of domestic violence a ticking time bomb.
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These statistics are horrifying especially in the United States where “more than seven in 10 intimate partner homicides are committed with a gun, and 76% of intimate partner firearm homicide victims are women. This translates to an average of 76 women shot and killed by an intimate partner every month” and that “access to a gun makes it five times more likely that a woman will die at the hands of a domestic abuser.”
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With guns on sale at Christmas the latest AR-15 (Automatic Rifle) is being advertised. Following is direct copy from a gun website that also included Santa Claus holding this latest everyday weapon that over 20 million U. S. citizens own, while cradling a baby.
I picture this and weep.
“Why trust Santa to bring you what you want when you can just buy gifts for yourself? There’s tons of Christmas & New Years gun deals and sales for you to get that upper, trigger, optic, ammo, or whatever! Plus, most of them continue through the New Year.”
And watch for the Christmas cards picturing entire families with glassy-eyed stares and tense smiles gathered around their Christmas trees brandishing their individual AR-15’s.
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“The number of Americans killed since 9-11 terrorism, it’s less than 100. If you look at the number that have been killed by gun violence, it’s in the tens of thousands.” Barack Obama.
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82,880,000 Americans own guns as of February 27, 2024. In 2023, 32% of Americans own at least one firearm. There are approximately 259,000,000 adults, which equates to the 82,880,000 people who own a firearm in the United States. Firearm ownership increased by 6.7% in the U.S. (all demographics) between 2017 and 2023.
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Tis the season of giving…faith, hope, and charity. Give to House of Helping Hands, a 501 (c)(3) organization assisting survivors of domestic abuse in Los Angeles, California, but DO NOT GIVE GUNS!
The Headlines Make Me Grieve
By: Beth Martin Brown
Recent headlines that are even a separate category in People Magazine tell of abusive stories in our harried lives today. We receive these bleeps 24/7, all as breaking news. I am presently wailing the refrain of a Marvin Gaye song and though it was about a specific physical war, the question still resonates as though the war of threatening words and violent actions seem to be acceptable.
What’s going on? What’s going on?
Mother, Mother
There’s too many of you crying
Brother, Brother,
There’s too many of you dying
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some lovin’ here, today
Father, Father
We don’t need to escalate
With the ringing and tinging, beeping and bleeping, and our cell phones as a separate appendage, we receive these “breaking news alerts” at a breakneck speed. Are they all as important as the sender makes them out to be? What happens when there is a real emergency? Why are we subjected to all this sensational news all the time? What is sensational news? Sensational news is not objective news. It is biased and manipulative. This type of news which now seems to rule began in 1898 and was known as “yellow journalism,” “yellow press,” or tabloid journalism. The newspaper moguls of the day, William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer competed to print the most salacious and mostly untrue stories about a U. S. battleship that sank from an explosion. When did yellow journalism become the standard for print news? The signs of this manipulation noted by the journalism historian Frank Luther Mott has identified four characteristics that are more normal than not lately with the
1. Sensational headlines in huge print,
2. Garish, detailed pictures and imaginary drawings,
3. Faked interviews and unqualified experts,
4. Superficial articles as filler.
These characteristics can now apply to our television news and other online sources. Who, what, where, why, when, and how are the basic
journalistic questions for a story. Has unbiased reporting lost out to this sensationalism? Journalistic ethics of objectivity havebeen overshadowed by our daily dose of these headlines of abuse that announce the tragic end without addressing how did this abuse begin and where can one go to get help before escalation…and tragedy. What could have been done before the victims of this abuse were the day’s headlines? Are we becoming numb to these reports of abuse?
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These following headlines are just a few in the last couple of weeks of the multitude that stream our phones, computers, and psyche daily.
Ala. Plumber Allegedly Tried to Hire Hitman to Kill Wife,
6 Kids: “Start with One. Take Your Time.”
She Killed Her "Best Friend"; After a Man Online Offered Her $9M to Do So. 5 Years Later, She Explains herself.
Eduardo Xol of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Dies at 58 After Reported Stabbing.
Mom Hung Son, 8, and Sister, 4, from Basement Beam, Then Tried to Blame Son by Saying He'd Been Suicidal.
A Wife Was Found Fatally Stabbed Next to Injured Husband on Kitchen Floor. Police Just Charged Him withMurder.
Cause of Death Revealed for 2 Kansas Women Allegedly Killed by Members of "God's Misfits" Group.
Abuse is abuse. Without accountability, permission is given for abuse to be acceptable. Though lost in all these sensational headlines is a five-alarm threat that we should take as not only a grave peril to individuals, but also as a peril to our country and the whole world.
Trump says ‘war hawk’ Liz Cheney should be fired upon in escalation of violent rhetoric against his opponents.
I pray that my cries and laments are heard.
What IS going on?? I am sure that I’m not the only one.
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It’s Time
By: Beth Martin Brown
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Much has been acknowledged about abuse from time began, be it mental, physical, psychological, or emotional abuse in songs, novels, poems, movies, and fairy tales. Presented as comedy or tragedy, though, abuse is abuse. We resonate to these characters as either the abuser or the abused. Good mostly wins. But when it doesn’t what do we as a society take away?
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One category of abuse that really is the umbrella of all these forms of harm to individuals is spiritual abuse also known as religious abuse. Spiritual abuse goes beyond the confines of a religious setting if we see the whole world as sacred. When someone in power tries to control, scare, or hurt another person or large groups of people, this could be a form of spiritual abuse that, like a rock thrown in a pond, ripples throughout society.
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As an example, why, in today’s news, is the fictional character Hannibal Lector brought up as a moral example? And why is the boorish person using this example touted in some circles as moral? Looking at the commonality, this fictional character and those that admire the one who touts him do have a lot in common.
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The mass hypnotism of these ill-mannered and misinformed think that bad is good. Those who have experienced any abuse have become inured to it or have become hyper alert to it. As the ripples in the pond spread this scum, more and more headlines scream the tragic outcome.
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Any form of abuse is not new as the following children’s rhyme from Eugene Field (1850 – 1895) attests.
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The Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat
The gingham dog and the calico cat
Side by side on the table sat;
T was half-past twelve, and (what do you think!)
Nor one nor other had slept a wink!
The old Dutch clock and the Chinese plate
Appeared to know as sure as fate
There was going to be a terrible spat.
(I was there; I simply state
What was told to me by the Chinese plate!)
The gingham dog went Bow-wow-wow!
And the calico cat replied Mee-ow!
The air was littered, an hour or so,
With bits of gingham and calico,
While the old Dutch clock in the chimney-place
Up with its hands before its face,
For it always dreaded a family row!
(Now mind: I’m only telling you
What the old Dutch clock declares is true!)
The Chinese plate looked very blue,
And wailed, Oh, dear! what shall we do!
But the gingham dog and the calico cat
Wallowed this way and tumbled that,
Employing every tooth and claw
In the awfullest way you ever saw—
And, oh! how the gingham and calico flew!
(Don’t fancy I exaggerate—
I got my news from the Chinese plate!)
Next morning, where the two had sat
They found no trace of dog or cat;
And some folks think unto this day
That burglars stole that pair away!
But the truth about the cat and pup
Is this: they ate each other up!
Now what do you really think of that!
(The old Dutch clock it told me so,
And that is how I came to know.)
The relatability of this over 100-year-old children’s poem is not lost on our times. But to acknowledge the Chinese plate from the above rhyme, “The Chinese plate looked very blue, And wailed, ‘Oh, dear! what shall we do!’” It’s time. It time to DO SOMETHING! The cycle of abuse must be acknowledged and stopped. It’s time for less drama. Sneers at “woke” won’t cut it. Doing something is paying attention and not staying numb to the eons of horror that have been glorified. It’s time to call out this collective hypnotism of distrust of what is good. One cannot be lazy or complacent. Recognition of this problem is the beginning. People really do want to be and to see people happier and healthier, but it does take work. Good will win if we wake up and do something.
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VOTE.
Safe Places in a Vulnerable Time
By: Beth Martin Brown
Are we living in times of too much information (TMI)? The TMI we are subjected to whether useful or not is presented in a way that grabs our attention like the lights and bells of a Vegas slot machine. Our senses are assaulted from the things and rings, videos, and captions on phones, computers, and televisions.
Existentially are these new necessities that were once luxuries making our lives easier and better?
Instant information has exploded exponentially in the last twenty plus years. How does it affect us all on a personal level? Do our convenient gadgets cause more distraction and extra stress beyond what our human consciousness can cope? We are living in interesting times.
Though we are not as isolated as we were during Covid, the pandemic proved to be a contributor to the increase in violence and domestic violence. Isolation and “too much information” stoked anxiety that accumulated during the pandemic. Without acknowledging these triggers, violence and domestic violence will continue. The buildup of reliance on outer influences is escalating.
Though there are many positive contributions to these new necessities, the negative influences need to be acknowledged.
Where do we go for help?
Light must shine on this dire plight.
“The new dawn blooms as we free it. For there is always light, if only we are brave enough to see it. If only we are brave enough to be it.” Youth poet laureate Amanda Gorman 2021 Inauguration Poet, from The Hill We Climb
In 2006 Curt Lindsley and Victoria Throm started Purple Light Nights to heighten awareness of domestic violence. Presently 32 states and 4 Canadian provinces have adopted this safe space. The Purple Light Nights movement’s motto is “Shine a light and save a life.” Purple was chosen as the prominent color for domestic violence awareness as it was the chosen color for women’s suffrage in the early 1900’s.
Many other organizations and agencies are recognizing this prevalent pandemic of domestic violence to assist survivors.
October 1981 acknowledged the first Domestic Violence Day of Unity and became a month by 1987. 1989 Congress’s legislation designated October Domestic Violence Awareness Month with the third Thursday in October recognized as Purple Thursday.
Of course, there are other colors of porch lights that indicate support for important causes. Red porch lights especially in February denotes American Heart Month and support for heart health and awareness. Blue porch lights can highlight either autism awareness or support for the police. Green porch lights can bring attention to Lyme disease awareness if seen in May or also military veteran awareness. As noted, purple porch lights support those affected by domestic violence and signal “You are safe here.”
A blinking porch light of any color means that there is an emergency. Paying attention to these and other helpful sources is the key to a safer, more productive life.
“Seek to be the purple thread in the long white gown.” Epictetus, Greek philosopher who preached of common brotherhood (or sisterhood).
By: Beth Martin Brown
In 2024 with all the technology to create a loving, peaceful society even with a world population of over 8 billion inhabitants (an increase of 0.95 % from 2023), how do we all try to understand each other without resorting to basic instincts of fear and abuse? Though guns weren’t the weapon, even Shakespeare’s wise words “These violent delights have violent ends.” (Friar Lawrence, Romeo and Juliet) acknowledge that signs of violence in any familiar situation cannot be ignored.
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Though NO country is free of domestic abuse, how do we in the United States address this continuous scourge? Will we ever make the list of one of the peaceful societies such as Iceland or New Zealand? Yes, climate change, homelessness, pollution, and other topical issues are always addressed, but how do we add domestic abuse to these first-tier bugaboos?
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Many news outlets report the aftermath of extreme cases of domestic violence, and though the newscasters preface and end with helplines, many viewers don’t pay attention to the solution, just the effect…unless it is happening to them. More emphasis needs to be given to the solutions.
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House of Helping Hands is one organization that is there “to empower survivors of domestic abuse to live violence free and break the cycle of abuse. To connect survivors of domestic abuse to resources that are available for the improvement of their quality of life.”
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House of Helping Hands Mission
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What contributes to and escalates domestic abuse? Of course, drugs and alcohol are prevalent, but realizing that the availability of guns increases the danger of domestic abuse to a much more precarious level is undisputable. California has had the following rule in place for a while.
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“California has enacted some of the nation’s strongest laws to protect victims of domestic violence from abuse, threats, and violence from firearms although significant implementation gaps remain. California generally disqualifies people from purchasing or possessing firearms if they have been convicted of domestic violence-related crimes or while they are currently subject to court restraining orders against domestic violence (or other restraining orders such as civil harassment restraining orders for people who do not have a family or dating partner relationship with the restrained person). California has also created important requirements and procedures to seek to ensure that people who become disqualified from possessing firearms due to domestic violence promptly and safely relinquish their firearms and do not illegally retain them to use to threaten or harm their victims.”
The headlines at this moment in time and place in not just California but for the United States’ small step to addressing this issue arose this week with:
U.S. Supreme Court upholds law that prevents domestic abusers from owning guns Ariana Figuero, Ohio Capital Journal. “On Friday June 21, 2024, The United States Supreme Court confirmed a federal law barring individuals subject to domestic violence restraining orders from possessing guns. Eight of the nine justices affirmed that the Second Amendment’s right to bear arms is not entirely unlimited, and there are situations where the government can restrict gun possession.” MSNBC Jessica Levinson, MSNBC Columnist.
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Though this law should be obvious that it is now the confirmed law of the land is commendable.
By: Beth Martin Brown
From Google “Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.” Recent Gallup polls say that at least a quarter of the American population feels enraged more often than not. When this rage turns to anger it can result in either positive or negative action, though more often than not, it becomes a negative response.
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Though anger can be motivation when used positively, how often do we hear these stories? When Bob Kane and Bill Finger first conceived Batman, Bruce Wayne was an example when he decided to be the savior of Gotham City because of his anger at his parents’ death. Though a fictional character, he is a role model of how one took one’s personal power back in a positive way. But anger more often than not goes hand in hand with abuse.
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Research has defined the four stages of anger as the buildup, the spark, the explosion and the aftermath. Within these stages lies the possibility of de-escalating an angry reaction before a situation gets out of hand. But has humankind evolved yet to be able to check ourselves to assess our anger level as we go through the days of our lives?
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Domestic abuse is at epidemic proportions even at a time in our history when we as a human race are attempting to evolve past the survival of the species phase. So many people just don’t care or are not aware until it becomes a personal problem in their lives. “Burying our heads in the sand,” the ostrich effect, or ostrich bias will not make this serious problem disappear. What are the conventions of today that still allow domestic abuse to be tolerated?
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With seemingly so much more stress in the world, anger is common whether directed to a loved one, oneself, or at any animate or inanimate object in the way. The story goes that when the artists Paul Gauguin and Vincent Van Gogh lived together, Van Gogh became angry with Gauguin. Van Gogh picked up a razor and rather than hurt Gauguin, he went home and cut off his ear. Gauguin’s history shows that he was a wounded man. And Van Gogh was angry enough to abuse himself rather than his roommate at the time. It was known then that drugs and alcohol were involved.
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Hurt people hurt people. This event happened in 1888 and with all the psychology there is today, unresolved and unacknowledged anger still is the cause of domestic abuse.
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Though anger can motivate, the destructive elements seem to outweigh the constructive elements. Thomas Jefferson is known to have stated, “When angry, count to ten before you speak, if very angry count to a hundred.”
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So much can be said about anger and how this cause of domestic violence affects the whole world.
The topic of this blog will continue as we as a species try to evolve and understand this emotion and make it a constructive force.
By: Beth Martin Brown
Why do domestic violence issues continue to plague the world? Has it always existed and why? What primordial bad habit has continued through the ages? Have we even evolved past the stereotypical picture of the caveman with club in hand dragging a woman by the hair into the cave as smaller beings watch? Though each age seems the most enlightened, is progress measured in the ease of technological advancements or by the way we treat others?
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Domestic violence is defined as violent or aggressive behavior within the home involving the inhabitants. It affects men, women, and children of all socioeconomic levels of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, gender, or education. As recent as fifty years ago it was legal and even accepted that husbands may beat their wives without consequences.
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Though society is much more aware of this abhorrent behavior, the cause of domestic violence and the acceptance of violence as a solution is still pervasive around the world and more so as society now has access to instant news and the slick phrase “if it bleeds it leads” becomes the norm. Attention to how violence begets more violence and often behind closed doors and how to prevent it needs to be prioritized as this epidemic continues to rise.
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With over one in three women and one in four men a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime why is society at large still in denial? And almost half of domestic violence cases are unreported. Why? Does this mean that more than half the population has been physically abused in their lifetime? Are we all the “walking wounded” and how do we empathize and recognize these facts? Denial of perpetrating acts of violence and those victimized continue this destructive pattern.
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When domestic violence becomes the norm, many don’t know the difference. Will the abuser ever change? It takes time to understand and accept their actions as abuse. Often “to keep the peace” many of the abused will minimize the effect of the abuse on themselves and those in the household. To admit to the abusive relationship would be admitting to a failed relationship which brings many fearful emotions. One stays with the stories they can live with. With the child still within us, there is no “getting over it” as the scenes continue to play out and cause some to still act out of fear and display a lack of trust. Future relationships will suffer if the hamster’s wheel of denial and abuse continues.
Whether a one time “incident” or a continued pattern, abuse is abuse. Comparisons don’t diminish the pain. As those working in domestic violence organizations and experts know, survivors of domestic violence know suffering and with the help of these professionals, they find a path to understanding how not to ever become a victim again or not to perpetrate this calamitous pattern. Though they have survived this abuse, fear should evolve to love...love of themselves. Self-care is a necessity.
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Excerpt From John O’Donohue’s A Morning Offering
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“May I have the courage today
To live the life that I would love
To postpone my dream no longer
But do at last what I came here for
And waste my heart on fear no more.”